Ask for It by Name!

It all started, perhaps, with the Edsel, proudly introduced by the Ford Motor Company in 1957. The car’s name was taken from that of Edsel Bryant Ford, former Ford president and Henry Ford’s son, but it’s hard to pin the ensuing debacle on Edsel himself because he had died back in 1943. There were two major problems with the Edsel, both of which became immediately apparent.

First, it was a remarkably strange-looking car with a bizarre “horsecollar”-shaped grille design that led one wag to compare the Edsel to “an Oldsmobile sucking a lemon.”

Secondly, “Edsel” was an exceedingly weird name for a car, especially coming from Ford, home of such All-American models as the Thunderbird, Falcon and Mustang. The strangeness of the name was made all the more mystifying by the fact that Ford had actually assembled a panel of 300 outside consultants, including poet Marianne Moore, to come up with a name for their new car. Apparently Ford then discarded the panel’s suggestions, because it is implausible that anyone of sound mind and not working for Ford could have suggested “Edsel.”

Public reaction to the Edsel ranged from helpless laughter to outright hostility, and the model was shelved after only three years. In fairness to the Edsel, it did introduce some advanced features for its time, such as self-adjusting brakes and a speedometer that glowed when a preset speed limit was exceeded, but “Edsel” today remains synonymous with “really bad product name.”

Though “Edsel” may have been a bad choice for naming a car, it was at least a real name without bizarre connotations, which is more than can be said for some of the brand names of the past few years. Some bad names, such as “Cruex,” are simply the result of tone-deafness to the implications or sound of the name. Others, especially those produced during the internet boom of the 1990s or cooked up in a hurry to distance companies from the corporate scandals of the early 21st century, are mind-numbingly meaningless concoctions of almost-words often born, it seems, in the mechanical minds of computers.

It may be, as the naming consultants say, that all the good “real” names are already taken. But some of the examples noted below are enough to make one wonder if naming companies and products with simple personal names — “Bob” or “Louise,” for instance, or maybe even “Edsel” — might be a better approach.

Accenture — New name for the former Arthur Andersen Consulting, which, lucky for them, lost the right to call themselves “Arthur Andersen” right before the other Arthur Andersen, the accounting firm, collapsed in mega-scandals. Accenture doesn’t mean anything, but that’s OK because no one knows what consultants do, either.

Achieva — A car from Oldsmobile, sounds like “achiever” spoken with a Brooklyn accent. Supposedly the model was originally going to be called the “Achiever,” but company execs felt that was a bit too blatant.

Agilent — It sounds like a maker of sporting equipment, but it’s actually a communications company spun off from Hewlett-Packard. The problem with the name is that you’re going to forget that fact in about 30 seconds.

Altria — Supposedly intended to invoke the Latin “alt” for “high.” Nice try, gang, but we’ll just keep calling you guys Phillip Morris.

Avaya — Another corporate spin-off, this time from Lucent Technologies. The company says its name suggests “agility, speed and commitment,” but isn’t “Avaya!” what Desi Arnaz used to shout when he was upset?

Blonder Tongue — Maybe it’s what you get if your mouth turns a whiter shade of pale. Blonder Tongue makes communications equipment, and the name really isn’t their fault, since they were founded by Isaac (Ike) S. Blonder and Ben H. Tongue in 1950. Then again, that’s plenty of time to think up a non-disgusting name, guys.

Boring Business Systems — An 80-year-old office systems company in Florida, apparently run by some very, very stubborn people.

Consignia — If it ain’t broke, fix it until it is. In early 2001 the British Post Office announced that it was changing its name after 300 years to coincide with its transformation into a semi-autonomous public corporation as part of the deregulation of the postal industry in the UK. The new name, product of a two-year, one million-pound search by the naming consultants Dragon Brands, was “Consignia.” As a representative of Dragon Brands cornered by the BBC later nervously explained, “It’s got ‘consign’ in it. It’s got a link with ‘insignia,’ so there is this kind of royalty-ish thing in the back of one’s mind.” But in the front of everyone else’s mind, including that of Consignia’s chairman, was an instant desire to deep six the new name. After a brief tussle over the cost of ditching it, Consignia was history and folks were again mailing letters at the Post Office.

Cruex — An antifungal powder intended to be applied to the most sensitive areas of the human body. A cruex and unusual name for such a product.

Fifth Third Bancorp — Started out as the Bank of Ohio, but that was 36 mergers ago, and somebody finally just threw in the old naming towel.

Grand Vitara — An SUV produced by Suzuki. Sounds like either an extinct bird or a very serious intestinal disorder.

Incipient — Another dippy data company name. “Incipient,” of course, means “about to happen,” as in “Finding your data is incipient, we promise.”

McDATA — They make “data storage solutions.” Does the Happy Megabyte Meal come with fries? Newsflash, McCoiners, “cute” and “reliable” do not go together.

Monday — In 2002, PwC Consulting, the unfortunately-named consulting arm of the even-more-unfortunately-named PricewaterhouseCoopers accounting firm, decided that it didn’t like its name, which is understandable. What is harder to fathom is why they decided to rename their company after everyone’s least-favorite day of the week — “Monday.” According to PwC CEO Greg Brenneman, “Our new name — Monday — is exactly what we want it to be as we create our new business: a real word, concise, recognizable, global and the right fit for a company that works hard to deliver results.”

The result PwC got was global derision, and they soon dropped the planned name change. Shortly thereafter, PwC was bought by IBM and everyone went back to making fun of Accenture.

Poolife — A pool-cleaning company that got carried away with the “jam the name together” craze. As their web site says, “Long lazy afternoons. The feel of the sun on your shoulders. That first refreshing plunge into the water….” And you’d better call us because there’s poo in there!

Zzyzx Peripherals, Inc. — They want you to know that it’s pronounced “zee-zix.” It’s probably not a good idea to pick a name that makes anyone calling think their telephone is broken.